Secret diary of a bulimic

Dear Diary,

I’m at my high school camp and was sitting in the food hall for dinner… I’d demolished my plate of food while sitting at the table with my girlfriends. We were giggling about the boy crushes we had sat at the table just opposite us, I felt happy and upbeat as being away from home with all my friends felt refreshing. It’s been a long day of fun (but sometimes annoyingly daggy) ‘team building’ activities and I was starving.

As I got up to grab a few more bites from the serving area, I heard one of the boys call out ‘Going up for seconds ‘big Bridgey’?’

My heart is broken.

I went to the bathroom outside, stood in the shower cubicle and threw up every last bit of my meal until my eyes were bloodshot and I could feel stomach acid burning my nose and throat. I don’t even know how I got there, it was just like something switched in me.

What have I just done? I feel weird, and so alive at the same time.

I don’t know what I’m doing but all I know is I don’t want to feel food in my stomach anymore. I’m done being the chubby, funny girl.

I want to be thin.

 

Dear Diary,

We got back from school camp a few weeks ago. The guy who yelled that comment out to me, I still can’t look him in the eye. I find myself now making fat jokes about myself to cover the embarrassment. Everyone laughs and it makes me feel great they want to be friends with me because I’m funny, but inside, I feel like shit. I feel so fat compared to the other girls here.

I can feel another comment is going to come, every time I line up at the school canteen, every time the bell for lunch rings… I feel anxious… watched.

So instead, I call myself fat first, before they can.

I’ve thrown up a few times since camp and I like the way it makes my stomach feel empty. Maybe, I can do this and I’ll lose weight? Surely if you throw up your food, you’re technically not ‘eating’ right?

God, I’m hungry…

I just want to be thin.

 

Dear Diary,

Its been about two months since I last wrote. I’ve become kind of obsessed with this whole eating and throwing up thing. I’m so tired. I’ve been throwing up all my big meals (like dinner and lunch) and hiding it is becoming exhausting. BUT, I got my first comment today asking if I had lost weight! I’m so excited! I can feel my clothes fitting a little better. But I’m still huge. I hate what I see in the mirror, and I want a boyfriend so badly. I’m not stopping this.

Weight: 73kgs (yuck!)

I just really want to be thin.

Dear Diary,

I’ve been throwing up for about six months now. Every single meal. I’m obsessed with the calories that go into my mouth, but on a good note throwing up has become so much easier with practice. The girls on the Pro Mia forum are all so lovely and supportive. I don’t feel so alone knowing there are other people out there doing what I’m doing. Who knew this was a thing?! They let you in on their tips and tricks to make this easier on you and quicker to throw up. Tonight, I stuck the end of a toothbrush down my throat and threw everything up within a couple of minutes. I feel disgusting and I hate this but I can’t stop now that I’m finally seeing results. I wish there was another way.

Mum asked me if I was ok this afternoon because I came home from school for the fourth day in a row and just went to bed and slept. I am so tired. As long as I pretend I’m fine, hopefully, people won’t notice what I’m doing. Must keep smiling.

Weight: 64kg

All I want is to be thin.

 

Dear Diary,

It has been a year since this all began. I remember that day at camp so clearly, it makes me feel sick thinking about it.

What has my life become? All my friends know about this now, thanks so some stupid cow hearing me throw up at school and telling the principal. How dare she. Everyone’s noticed my weight loss which is good, but everyone is talking behind my back when I eat and I feel like a freak. I think it’s their tactic to make me aware that they know so I’ll stop. But I WONT. The boys commented on how I smelt of vomit when I walked into the common room this afternoon – idiots. And my two best friends gave me some sort of silly intervention and said if I continue this, they couldn’t be my friends anymore. I am so lonely. I am so tired. I am starving. But I won’t give up because ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’.

I want to be thin, and no one will stop me.

Weight: 57kg

 

Dear Diary,

All feels black. My throat is so swollen and red raw, I saw blood when I threw up this morning… That was scary. I couldn’t even sing properly in music class today – but I pretended I just had the flu. Mum and dad are now on my case and it’s so annoying. I wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone. Tonight, I’m going to binge on KFC until I can’t eat anymore and then get rid of it in two minutes. I’m lucky I can do this really, it’s just so easy – but so hard at the same time. People don’t understand what this is like. Ofcoarse I don’t want to be throwing up, tired and now isolated from my friends – but they’re all being selfish and don’t understand me.

Weight: 54kg

 

Dear Diary,

I’ve tried to be so good with my food intake so I don’t have to throw up as much. After all, that’s what everyone’s been harping on at me about. The throwing up. But today I lost control and binged once again. In the space of a few hours, I had a sausage roll, a slice of cake, a bag of chips, two slices of toast, half a banana, and a milo. I knew I would throw it up after I ate the sausage roll, so I kept going. Binging isn’t even bringing me much enjoyment anymore. I just want this all to stop. I’m in too deep now. It’s all become so messed up. The only thing that eases my mind right now is sleep.

Weight: 54kg

So much hard work only to plateau – must try harder

 

Dear Diary,

I don’t even know how long I’ve been doing this now. And I’ve tried to stop a few times. But I just can’t. The only people who understand me are in my Pro Mia forum and every time I look down at my red wrist tie, I am reminded not to give up. I feel so disgusting, I am absolutely no energy and now mum won’t let me sleep in the afternoon after school. I am getting great comments from others about how amazing my transformation is. I find people actually want to be my friends now that I’m smaller. Although, no one seems to laugh at my fat jokes anymore? Mum and Dad are really worried now and I feel like I’m under constant watch. I just have to pretend I’m getting better so they get off my back.

Don’t they understand,

I just want to be thin.

Weight: TOO FAT

 

FAST FORWARD

 

Dear Diary,

I still struggle with my weight, but I know throwing up hurts me and the ones around me. The man I am with now knows about my bulimic past and keeps a close watch on me. I feel better not throwing up all the time but its really hard. He caught me throwing up dinner the other night and said if he ever hears me doing that again he will leave me.

I hope I can beat this once and for all.

I want to have children one day and I know the effects this may have on that possibility. I don’t want to be bound to bulimia.

 

FAST FORWARD MANY YEARS

 

Dear Diary,

My husband just left me.. I feel like I can’t cope. I need some sort of control back in my life. My life is a mess and this is the only form of control I know how to get within minutes.

I threw up tonight and I hate myself for it. My little girl peacefully asleep in the next room while I’m vomiting my guts up in the bathroom next door. Why am I doing this? Tomorrow, I’ll stop. I have to. If not for me, for her. I don’t want her to hear me, and to know what I was doing. God, imagine if this was her doing this, how would I feel. No, I have to stop, this is just wrong.

I just want control back in my life.

 

PRESENT

 

Dear Diary, I am 30 years old, and a mother to a beautiful little girl aged 6yrs. She is perfection. She is tall and slender and everything I wished I was growing up instead of being the pudgy kid. She is purity in its finest form, untarnished, strong and resilient. I see her dress herself in the morning and look lovingly at herself in the mirror as she admires what she sees in her reflection. And I wish I could do the same. I don’t see her grabbing her fleshy tummy or studying her naked side profile in the mirror. She knows she is beautiful, and she knows she is loved for who she is.

While I haven’t thrown up in a long time, there are still times where I feel like I can’t control a situation, I get tempted to go ‘there’. I know the rush and the feeling of relief when I do it, yet that relief is short lived and in comes consuming guilt.

This remembering has been whats stopped me everytime since the day I decided to make an effort to get better – for me.

I fear that this will always be somewhat a battle for me, something like this

becomes engrained within you and it becomes a demon that thankfully; while I don’t have to fight it daily anymore, it still lingers in the background.

I think of how easy it would be to go back to that place, to start up the old habit again… but then I look at my precious girl and think, I have to be strong for her.

The pressures to look perfect in the world we live in today are immense. With social media, photoshop, filters and all kinds of enhancements readily available, I wonder if she will ever battle what I did.

Im hopeful that because I know this secret life that is bulimia, Ill know the signs. I know every trick in the book and for that I am grateful because even though this was a dark journey for me, I am well prepared to speak honestly and openly to her about body image, the dangers and perhaps even one day share with her my personal experience with bulimia.

Dear Diary,

Today, I feel good, I feel motivated, I feel hungry yes – but this time for the right reasons. I am eating good nutritious food, in small portions and not throwing up. I haven’t even thought about throwing up.

Today, I am doing really well.

And I am proud of how far I’ve come.

I think I will always battle with this in some way, but If I can be strong enough not to let it defeat me then I’ve won.

I have survived Bulimia.

And I choose to survive it every day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *