10 signs from my 5yr old that Karma is a bitch

Let's just say in my early teens I wasn't the saint my parents would have liked to have claimed as their daughter. Growing up in a Christian household, I was shall we say rather sheltered from the 'naughtiness' of this world. That is until I decided to run away from home and explore all there was on offer. From winning jelly wrestling completions at the pub on Airlie beach to partying til sunrise in the city... I've done my fair share of giving my poor parents heart attack after heart attack.

Now I'm a mother of a daughter who is inwardly the spitting image of me, I am now petrified karma is gonna come and kick my arse big time come her early teens...Don’t get me wrong, I have a super amazing, smart and beautiful child

However, here are a few subtle (or not so subtle signs) that basically.... I'm screwed...

1. Contents

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   F@&* drawing

My daughter has always been a creative little soul. From age 2 she often made me sweet little crafty pictures with Pompoms and lovely drawings of me as a stick figure (flattering). So you can imagine how chuffed I was to hear from a distance 'mummy I drew you a picture'! Cue the pitter patter of excited little feet running towards me...

She flipped the paper over to present me with......... This.

 

Me: (internal monologue) Oh. My. F$@&’ing. God

Silence.

Me: Um. Who taught you how to spell that?

Silence.

Daughter: Daddy did!!!!

#FML it's karma isn't it?

2. Tattoos with texta

I decided in my rebellious phase to get a tattoo. That's right, I was loud, obnoxious and ready to make a big bold statement to my parents and the world that I in all my 17yr old glory could not be tamed!!

So I got a tiny star that would be covered up by my underwear. #rebel

You can imagine my delight when my daughter today came home with not only a full sleeve of 'tattoos' (her words) that she doesn't want to ever rub off - but also a full leg.

Come on teachers - give me a break, she's all yours between the hours of 9-3...

#isaynototextas karma- right?

 3. Constant use of the word penis

I've been one of those parents who has been quite slow in teaching my daughter the 'real' names for private parts. Perhaps it's just that I didn't want her yelling them out randomly in the supermarket line. Roll on primary school- she now knows multiple names for both girls and boys private parts (thanks, Aussie slang) but the one that's really stuck the most. The one she just lovesssss saying, possibly more than the word 'Shopkins', is... Drum, bloody, roll.... PENIS!

Now, Don't get me wrong while it's great she's finally got the right name for that particular part of the anatomy - I do not appreciate being called a 'penis head', being asked for a 'penis milk' before bed and I really, really don't like just the general 'penis' Tourettes that occur in our home on a daily basis. I have now declared our home as a 'penis-free zone' ... As there are no men living here I feel it's my right of passage.

I really hope she grows out of this phase before she hits puberty. Definitely karma!

4.Changing besties like underwear

Since my daughter started primary school, I have noticed a pattern which, while I'm sure is ‘normal’, it bloody does my head in. Every day, actually in some cases every few hours she will have a new ‘best friend’. I literally can’t keep up. I often fall under the false illusion that all is calm and well in her little world, and then boom – world war three will break out! ‘Mummy, she’s not my best friend anymore! ‘Mummy she said I was her best friend yesterday but now I have a new best friend and we aren’t friends anymore’! This makes organizing play dates with the other mums just so. much. Fun – NOT. I can only hope this isn’t a long running occurrence come the time for boyfriends and dating! God help me.

5. You're so vain (mirror obsession)

Ever since my daughter was a tiny tot, she has had an obsession with mirrors.. actually any reflective surface. Windows, black TV screen… the back of teaspoons. And it's only become worse as she’s gotten older. I think it's wonderful that she considers herself beautiful, and boy is she what! BUT I will not have a vain little teenager obsess over her appearance for hours in the mirror. Nor will I fight for a glimpse in the bathroom mirror in the morning before leaving the house. Nope. Just Nope. Looks like I’ll be investing in objects with only a matte finish from here on in.

#cue song – ‘You’re so vain’

6. Nudist behavior

Kids will be kids. And to be honest, given the chance I would rock around with as little clothing on as possible purely because, well being nude feels great. But for the general public’s consideration, I cover up.

While I don’t mind my child in the privacy of our home rocking around with her kit off, I have to say I didn’t really have the words when I walked in on my daughter the other day laying on her stomach, bum up in the air, kicking her legs out with pointed toes impersonating Katy Perry in her California Girls video clip. If this is any indication of her flirting skills come the teenage years, we have a serious problem

#damnyouKaty

7. Calling me ‘Bridget’

This one is a particularly new phase, but I am so not down with it. Not one bit.

Daughter: ‘Bridget, can you get me a drink of water?’

I beg your freaking pardon child?! I do believe that because I went through excruciating labour and birthed your big head out of a hole that was all but 10cm wide, I think it's my right to be called the following names by you for the rest of your life: Mum, Mama, Mummy and I will even accept Wonder Woman.

But you my love, do not get to call me Bridget – ever. I will correct you over and over again until you go back to that cute little girl who calls me ‘Mummy’. If by chance you do not get the memo, I’m more than happy to make you wear a t-shirt that reads ‘I love my Mummy’…and you will wear that t-shirt until you're 21. Capeesh?!

8. Fake calls on toy mobile phone

In this day and age, our kids are bombarded with technology right from a young age. However, trust me when I say, I am a fan of the iPad (hello peace and quiet) but I do limit her time with these things and will continue to do so for as long as possible. So, a ‘toy’ phone seemed to be a great alternative. It promotes individual play and imagination. Perfect right?

Wrong. I will never forget the day I walked in on my daughter on a pretend phone call to God knows who, stating that I was a ‘meanie’ for not giving her an extra piece of toast (which would have been the 4^th that morning) and that perhaps could this mysterious person on the phone please send mummy to bed early for being so naughty.

Hey, kid – one can only dream! I dare to think what her phone convos about me are going to entail in the future.

#yesIwilleavesdrop

9. I’m allergic to that

My darling daughter has always been a very fussy eater. And while yes, with time she has got a lot better with trying new foods, I now face a new phrase.

Daughter: ‘Oh, sorry I’m allergic to that’.

Let me tell you, after slaving over a hot stove to make her’ favorite’ meal (clearly stated by her last week), this phrase brings a tear to my eye.

Kid, when I was pregnant with you I'm pretty sure I consumed all those ‘allergy’ foods and lived on peanut butter and full cream milk in the last trimester to help ensure I would not have a child with crazy food allergies. And you want to know what, that’s exactly what I got! My child, you are not allergic to anything. Zip. Zero.

So you will eat your dinner and be bloody grateful for it. I swear to god if this is a sign of things to come with crazy teenage fad diet antics, I am running away to join the circus.

#peanutbutterfordinner

10. Epic meltdowns

You’ve heard of the ‘terrible twos and three’s’ and boy were those phases challenging. But no one warns you of what I like to call the ‘FFS Fives’. I’m telling you now, some of the epic meltdowns I’ve witnessed this year have been Academy Award worthy. How someone can get so emotional over the wrong colour hair tie is beyond me. Oh yes, even the simple request to please put socks on has ended in a 45 min speech about why life is so unfair.

I swear to God if this is an indication of what it's going to be like with periods and PMS I am screwed. Please note, the only way I am coping with these meltdowns is to record them on snapchat with funny filters and send them to my mum friends.

What does your child do to make you think karma is coming straight back to you?