Confessions of a housewife

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I have a confession to make… I’m a really rubbish housewife.
I try pretend to be amazing but I totally suck at it. I’m ok at keeping up appearances but I don’t really care what the Jones are up to in number 68. In all honesty I am struggling going from that girl who lived for the next pay day to buy new shoes to the wife who has it all worked out. There are a few expectations subjects that did not get discussed before we got hitched (because we had NO CLUE). While I stumble through the haze of parenting my abilities as a wife do not seem to improve. As a single girl I was more than happy with my cleaner and bagels for dinner. It appears my family expect need more…

Meal planning
The thought of it makes me want to rip my fingernails out. I get that being super organised will not only save me time and money but seriously who has the time to stand and list all their cupboard contents then make ANOTHER list and then tottle off to the local supermarkets and buy the specific items on that list? How do you do it with 3 screaming kids having a punch up over who gets the dominos? Right now we are going with the appreciation that there is an actual cooked meal on the table. Edible is another subject.

Dinner parties
Say it with me… DINNEEERRR PARTIES.
Did you know that there is actual real life people in a suburb near you who VOLUNTEER to clean, shop and cook just to spend time with their nearest and dearest. Are these people actually sane?
I’m adding it up now and to have such an event at my house I would have to spend at least one hour scrubbing crayon off the walls and another hour dumping tiding the clothes into the spare room. Just to be able to look guests in the eye.
I may even need to “meal plan”. People will be turn up hungry and expect to eat. They may bring wine which would be totally excellent but they will expect to actually eat something. They might even expect us not to eat in our Pjs?
I tell my husband that Restaurants have been invented for a reason..

Look at this one I found on my friends status update. Smug bitch cow.

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Kids Parties
I love my little darlings I really do but seriously I don’t want to be BFFS with little Lydia down the street just because my daughter played with her for an hour in 2013. I have no interest in singing happy birthday to her and spending hours chatting to her parents that I avoid see in Woolworths. I am not interested in attending little Jack from Pre School Easter bunny party. We don’t care if there will be cupcakes and carrot play dough. The Easter bunny DOES NOT EXIST. So unless it’s my job to inform the whole party please don’t expect me to take the kids on a Friday afternoon. When the kids are old enough to find their own way home they can totally attend. I have important stuff like cleaning wine drinking and facebook stalking to do.

Cleaning
When I quit my job to have kids my cleaner quit me. She apparently expected to still get paid. I get that. It was a sad day. What I do not get is how to keep on top of this desperate amazing housewife gig without her.
Thankfully there is few tricks I have learned:
Buy a good broom. You only need to vacuum monthly weekly.
Mopping is for wimps. Embrace that floor its “rustic”.
Spray a bit of good old Dettol around the front door and give a good wipe. This gives the clean house impression for about 29 seconds. Always keep bedroom doors shut. If you can’t see it you don’t need to clean it. My best tip is make beds at 5pm. Do it once, do it right.

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Baking
Add it all up: Flour, eggs, sugar and chocolate all costs money. My ninteen attempts at cup cakes for Mr Js 3rd birthday actually cost me more than our wedding cake in the end. I get its saving money by DIY and all that jazz but really nothing tastes better than nipping to the local bakery and stuffing that Apple slice into your mouth. NOTHING. Do you know you don’t have to bake to be good at baking? You just need to hide the wrappers and throwaway the bakery bags. Turn the oven on or leave out a cupcake tray if you must create an illusion for visitors.

Sorry Mil if your reading this. I lied. I buy my “famous” cookies..

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Random visitors
You might visit me and find the dishwasher full of clean and dirty dishes. I’m hiding them because you only gave me 5 minutes notice!! I need 5 hours minimum. PLEASE Don’t open the Laundry cupboards In the hall or everything will fall on your head. Never ever ever look under the sofa, we are fermenting fruit under there. It’s the new thing you know. That cake your shoving in your mouth was bought on Tuesday. I heated it in the microwave as that seems to take the stale taste away. You did not just interrupt craft time the walls always look like that. So sorry I can’t make almond milk in the Thermie. I sold it. (Camilla had a sale on you know..)

I’m sure there is a few perfect amazing wife’s and mums who read this and think that I’m a genius lazy cow but really please don’t judge me.
We all have our talents… I bet you can’t put your liquid eyeliner or without smudging it driving. Jokes!
I also do the best queen Elsa plaits on this planet for my girls and have an actual family event that I beat my 3 year olds star jumping record on the trampoline.

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So go on tell me are you an amazing housewife or what’s your trick to look amazing?

6 thoughts on “Confessions of a housewife

  1. Belinda Jacobson

    This had me in fits of laughter!! I’m so thankful for your honestly and wit – I don’t have any kids but I take my hats off to anyone that does. I have a full time job, a live in boyfriend who has a son that stays with us every second weekend, two cats, two dogs and a blog and I never manage to stay on top of the boring house shit either. Nor do I bake – I have no time or desire to master that skill, thats what the bakery is for.

    Loved reading this thoroughly – thanks for sharing!
    Belle

    Reply
  2. Mel

    I am so pleased to have come across your blog. This post is BRILLIANT!!!! It describes my lack of wifely talent perfectly and I employ some of the same genius techniques as you do and I am so pleased I am not the only one!!!
    Thanks for entertaining me while I sit in a bomb zone with a teething one year old.

    Mel xx

    Reply
  3. Amy

    Oh my.
    I loved this post! As I sit on the couch with a newborn and his two older brothers surrounded by “stuff” that accumulates in the lounge room (actually any surface, inside the cupboards are about the only clean places) i feel actually little better in the knowledge that I am not the only person who lacks a certain domestic prowess. I actually love cooking and baking but not the clean up afterwards! The kids( big kid too), dogs and cat all dodge the mess and help add to it!
    Thank you for being so honest and hilarious

    Reply
  4. Amy

    Anyone who likes to clean each time the toddler rampages past is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Thanks for telling it as it is. Shall we all post a copy to our Mother in laws?

    Reply

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