Hands up if the second you feel a niggle in your throat you immediately grab your phone and Google ‘sore throat’ or ‘how to make a sore throat go away’, and then immediately turn to whoever is in the vicinity and yell out “OMG Google says I may have throat cancer!!!!!” Then make a Doctors appointment that second because you are now convinced you have a terminal illness…
Slight exaggeration? Perhaps. But if you are anything like me, motherhood has only exacerbated your inner hypochondriac and I often wonder how mother’s survived before Google. Are we really better off having access to Google Doctor or are we just freaking ourselves the EFF OUT?!
With Mr Baby Number Two there are many firsts that we are experiencing which have me reeling and feeling as if I am a first time mum all over again – enter Mr Google Doctor! This is my first breastfeeding experience and there were so many things I hadn’t even heard of that Google Doctor has enlightened me on.
Me: ‘Is it normal for a breastfed baby to poop so freaking much wholegrain mustard?’
Google Doctor: YES! Now here is a visual slideshow of what baby poop should look like…
Me: Gross – already elbow deep in mustard poop thanks don’t need to see that!
Me: ‘Is it normal for my nipples to feel like they are going to explode/fall off/disintegrate during breastfeeding?’
Google Doctor: YES! Now suck it up because it will be like this for a few months. And here is a list of normal and freaky alternative therapies to help heal your trashed nipples.
Me: Frantically making a list of the best nipple creams and gel pads so I can send the husband on a manhunt of said items (PS – he is now impressively an expert on all things breastfeeding and nipple care!).
Then there was the time when I was lovingly playing with Mr Baby and suddenly a whole lot of gunk projectiled out of his mouth AND nose like a freaking hose, all over the damned place and having not seen so much projectile vomit since watching the Exorcist I instantly turned to Google Doctor to see if I needed to at least exorcise some demons because as they say – that shit be CRAY! Of course Google Doctor came back with all sorts of scary acronyms like GERD and GORD when in reality maybe little man decided to decorate the place with his projectile vomit because silly Mummy got him all hyped up after a feed.
That got me thinking – I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have Googled a symptom and Google Doctor has told me I have a terminal illness and I would be dead in 6 weeks, so I’d say perhaps it’s best that my inner hypochondriac relax her undies a bit with the medical searches and just leave it to the professionals, and perhaps I should leave my Googling to ‘What are the best nappies that will hold in a massive mustard poo explosion’ or ‘What’s the best stain remover to get mustard poo stains out of all the white clothes I so stupidly bought the baby when I should have learnt my lesson after Baby Number One’…
What’s the scariest/silliest diagnoses Google Doctor has given you?