I'll hold you in my heart now- a poem for my father

When all feels dark and broken
When life feels like it's cursed
When tears and fears are spoken
As we're left here on this earth

The why's are never answered
The what if's are always on my mind
The coffee dates we never got to have
The wishing I could have said goodbye

The day you left, the world turned dark
And I will never be the same
But I'm determined to push grey clouds away
And let the sun shine through again

So, I will search for healing
I will search for peace
I will wander here and there
In search of some relief

I will find it sitting
Feeling the cool ocean breeze
I will find it in the stars
Twinkling over me
I will notice small things
Once so easily ignored
The touch of raindrops on my face
The sound of waves upon the shore

I will hear you when all is silent
I will find you when I feel alone
I will place my hand on your photograph
And feel that I am home

A candle I will light for you
You dance in the flickering flame
The crackles and bursts within it
Make you seem alive again

I will find you in the pages
Of the book that you once wrote
I will find you in your handwriting
In my birthday cards and notes

And while I wish you were still here
How I wish things weren't this way
It would hurt me even more
To see you suffer for one more day

I will not be ashamed to tell the truth
When people ask how you passed away
I will say you made a choice
to simply end your pain
They can not call you selfish
They can not judge or disapprove
They can not take your dignity
They did not walk in your shoes