Yes, I do need another slummy mummy in my Facebook feed!!

So… you want to be a ‘Mummy blogger’? Or an Instagram Mum!!!! You think your experience is something worth writing about, and you think you can do it 100 times better than fat Sally from down the road who already has 37,000 followers on Instagram and her own YouTube channel!!! Now, the Daily Mail would have you believe that we don’t need another ‘slummy mummy’ in our lives and that it’s perhaps shameful to be locking yourself in the pantry and downing G&T at lunchtime whilst the kids fend for themselves! But, let me tell you wannabe slummy mummy, parents need you, and in my humble opinion, the more the merrier!!!

It’s so easy to get started, so no excuses. I mean, you’ve got a laptop, a Pinterest account, maybe even a Facebook page, and a snotty little baby who constantly needs feeding!!! You’ve got battle scars (stretch marks), saggy boobs, and an irritating husband that has constantly got the horn! Let’s do this!

Great; you can work from home, whilst covered in puke and poo; no need for stilettos and that suit you haven’t squeezed into since you were 19 and had a peachy rear end! You don’t need to worry about your muffin top because you can work in your maternity active wear. You can hide in the study gobbling biscuits and drinking tea, whilst expertly typing away about the ups and downs of soft poo vs hard poo, or vaginal tears and haemorrhoids. It seems like the perfect job for us mums. We’ve popped out a sprog and now we’re bloody experts in all things humankind!!! I myself am practically a fully qualified obstetrician!

My only pleas to you, if you’re thinking of becoming a ‘Mum blogger’ (which I am not by the way) are:

Contents

You must have numerous kids!!

Well, preferably more than 1! Having 1 child is not proper parenting. You haven’t parented until at least two little urchins are running circles around you. One of whom must have projectile vomited at a terribly awkward moment, and the other must have made you wet yourself from running too fast at least once!

You must be in some sort of discomfort!!

No one wants to know your opinion on cracked nipples unless you are sitting there crying in pain, bleeding into your nipple shields and begging for mercy! That’s just how it is!!! And for heaven’s sake please don’t tell me to put herbal tea bags on my tits!!!

You cannot sleep!!!

No mum anywhere wants to hear about your incredible little “all night sleeper, who’s only 6 weeks old”, because God damn it, we are 9 years in and still haven’t had a full night’s sleep. Tell us you’re wrecked, tell us you’re breaking, tell us you shat into the chest of drawers because you were so tired you thought it was the toilet, but God damn it, don’t whatever you do, upload a highly filtered beautiful Instagram pic of your well-rested body and perfectly manicured nails!!!

Be someone different!!

‘Parenting experts’ know the ropes, they have been there done that, and they aren’t afraid to tell you! So when you join the gang, be different, don’t follow the perfect, pretty, Penelope’s. Don’t tell me you are all loved up, and enjoying motherhood because it’s the greatest job in the world. Tell me you’re like me, tell me you’re trying your best, tell me your kids hated their dinner and spat it at you, tell me your son called your elderly neighbour a penis, tell me you are seriously considering a holiday for 1!

Please, please tell me it’s not as easy as the others would have me believe!!